I was just looking over last years' posts - the ones in December that were a part of a month long posting meme entitled "30 days of truth." I was actually thinking of doing it again, because I know in some cases the answers would be different. And, by doing that exercise everyday, I can see how it propelled me forward toward growth much faster than I would otherwise have gone. It also helped create the tone for this blog - one in which I treat very much like a diary, although I do leave some things out because it isn't actually a diary. Even as open as I am, I do appreciate some privacy. Some things, while true, aren't always necessarily beneficial.

But I think that exercise is no longer necessary, at least with those specific questions. I could create my own, new and improved version, but I have so many other projects on my plate that this would just be a distraction, and blogging is already a bit of a luxury, although something I feel I need to do - first, to create a bit of a record for later on in life, and second, to express myself as a way to dig deeper into the truth - there's a bit of a therapeutic quality to it.

So much has changed since last December. Different, bigger house, N. has moved out, I have a job and thus my own bank account, I lost over 20 lbs, I have a new appreciation and love for my friends, I did some art (!!!), I have a conscious, open relationship with an amazing man (D.) who gets me, adores me, and doesn't let me get away with using my neuroses as excuses, and I feel more confident in who I am and who I am not - which is something I'm discovering more and more everyday, Seth has lost teeth, started school, and is becoming ever more independent.

It's been a tough year. There were times of intense sadness, loneliness and grief. There were times of intense joy, connection and happiness. It's a refiner's fire, really, this personal growth process, this awakening. The non-essentials are falling away, revealing the essence of my being.

I know that there will be times of sadness in my life, as well as happiness. I learned long ago that accepting this fact is actually the key to getting out of a depressive funk (sometimes this is easier than others). I also know that as I let go of my need to control people and things, as I let go of my expectations that things be other than they are, and as I allow myself to feel the way I feel and thus dissolve those feelings as they occur, and as I continue to practice gratitude and presence, I will be able to ride the wave of sadness and happiness with joy, knowing that without one, there couldn't be the other, and that this is all part of life. A life which I have chosen to participate in. Fully.