polyamorous me

For the last few months I've been in a somewhat monogamous relationship with D. Mostly by default. Mostly because we felt as though we'd finally found each other after years of looking. Our connection was so strong from the start that we wanted to spend as much time with each other as possible. Since neither of us was gainfully employed at the time we met, we were able to do so.

I'd had a four month "relationship" with M., a man not previously mentioned here, mostly because it was sporadic and what I'd call 'relationship lite' because it consisted mostly of movie nights at his house followed by a sleepover (yes, the adult variety). He was a very busy doctor, but beyond that had several relationships, of which I was probably the lowest priority, and I often felt I was just a fun diversion for him. Not that I didn't have my own similar reasons for seeing him - there was probably a bit of an escapist factor. We then took a trip to Seattle with his primary partner (a very lovely lady with whom I got along well), and while fun, it seemed to enhance some incompatibilities of our characters (ironic already that he was a doctor - I have an unhealthy disrespect for doctors in general). And I had just met D. the night before, who I'd fallen for. So, without even trying very hard, our relationship slowly ended, mostly because I'd stop texting him and arranging dates.

During this time, of course, I was also engaged in a "long distance relationship" with L., who was a busy but also slow-to-warm up kind of man - we mostly spoke on the phone, having great conversations for an hour, but often a couple of weeks or a month apart (I could sense his caution, and I was also tired of being the pursuant, so I just allowed it to evolve naturally, without too much effort on my part). I had a dream in which he called me and asked to meet, and that very day, he did (I had another dream about him a few weeks ago, and he called that same day again; today I dreamt of him, but instead of waiting to see if he'd call me, chose to call him instead). We finally got together about two months ago, but I made a grand scheduling error and ended up having to take Seth along (no worries, we went to a park, and he likes children so he was quite forgiving). After that false start, and then a lot of busyness on both our parts, we are finally going to spend some quality time together this weekend, and I'm very excited.

I've never really had two emotionally and physically intimate relationships of this sort simultaneously, and there is a possibility of this (I'm working very hard at not having any expectations, but I've got a bit of a crush, and that doesn't allow me to remain very grounded or detached). So, of course the big question is, "I talk a big talk, about love being everywhere, in everything, for everyone; that it expands the more it's felt and shared with others; but can I really live it?"

It really requires a certain fearlessness or sheer courage because intimate relationships require exposing vulnerabilities. And I'm not particularly good at allowing myself to be vulnerable. I have layers upon layers of armor protecting my heart. It was an adaptive strategy I learned to protect me as a child. But when we lock ourselves in, we also lock others out. My relationship with D. has really pushed me to unlock myself and to allow myself to be loved (and thus giving me the ability to love myself). As I slowly reveal myself, and find myself loved as I am, it allows for those tender wounded areas oxygen and light and the chance to heal.

So, whatever unfolds with L. also brings this sense of vulnerability exposed - just today while talking, I shared something with him that I am very afraid to share with anyone, it's not the kind of thing that one 'shouldn't' share, but rather for me it's very personal and close to my heart and something I want to "keep safe" and protect from others' judgment. Yet, share I did, and found myself not judged as perhaps I thought I might, and that perhaps any judgment I think others might have is really judgment I have on myself.

I've also found that since the tiff I had with and for D. (written about in the post entitled "anger management") the level of intimacy and depth of feeling I have with D. is that much bigger and deeper, which has allowed me to open up to L., so now I have stronger feelings for him that I didn't have before (and thus a bit of a crush).

Because D. and I have been pretty much otherwise monogamous but have defined our relationship as open, the possibility of another relationship has found it's way into our conversations with each other, and brought out some interesting things. D. recently shared with me that he's not interested in being with anyone but me. I asked him if he needed me to be monogamous, to which he responded, "No" and to which I replied, "Good, because you know I couldn't do that." I certainly would try, because I love him, but the reality is that I cannot promise something that is tantamount to imprisoning myself and it wouldn't last very long, and would likely damage the trust we're building in our relationship, perhaps even beyond repair. And I've already been there, done that (not quite in the same way, but the damaging of trust and attempting to repair it once it's crushed to smithereens, is even too hard for me, at least right now).

Sometimes, I think it's strange, that I'm choosing to engage in relationships with more than one person - the strange part being that I'm actively choosing and seeking this, not the multiple relationship part - but then I think of how wonderful it is to be so empowered to make choices that further enhance my personal growth. S. (spiritual life coach) once told me that I can choose how fast or slow I want to go. Apparently, I'm an adrenalin junkie, because I'm going fast. And showing no signs of slowing.