anger management

One of my biggest challenges throughout my life has been my inability to control my temper and fly into a blind rage. A lot of it has to do with my need to be in control, and some of it has to do with my not feeling heard. So, at the beginning of this year, when I set my intention to let go, specifically of control, I seemed to improve my ability to not lose my temper as easily when I became angry.

Of course, lately, the stress of some major changes has made this difficult, and last week, I had a bit of a meltdown, and this time, the target was D., who I've only been seeing for a few months. I am already aware of tendencies I have toward sabotaging my relationships, and this probably originated with that end in mind.

Normally, such a loss of temper results in my being ignored, laughed at, walked away from, but mostly, with fear and an attempt to get me to control myself or ways to make me happy so I wouldn't get upset.

But this time was different. D.'s response was something to this effect: "I am not N. When you can stop yelling and talk to me respectfully, I'll be happy to hear what you have to say. Until then, bye." Click. (It was on the phone.) I have never been talked to that way before. I've never had someone not afraid to confront me while I'm angry.

Of course, once I took a breath, I called him back and we were able to talk about it and reach peace and forgiveness. His ability to forgive me allowed me to reach self-forgiveness much more quickly, instead of being stuck in days of self-loathing. There was no one telling me I needed to be different than I was, that I had some deficiency that needed to be fixed, that I was someone to be afraid of.

An interesting side note: I told my brother about the exchange by prefacing it by saying that I'd found someone who wasn't afraid of my anger, and he asked, "is that person named Maria?" Of course, it wasn't, but it has inspired a whole new line of inquiry about my own fears of my anger and it's perceived destructive power - and an image of myself as someone with a destructive force within her, one to be hidden, locked away or rooted out. Things to think about...

I had recently finished a relationship workshop during which one of the facilitators encouraged us to do something different, pick someone different than we would normally. This is definitely evidence that I've done so. Relationships are mirrors and opportunities for healing, and for a while I wasn't sure what reflection I was seeing or what kind of healing the relationship with D. would bring. Now, I've had a glimpse, and while it scares me, it also excites me.