not all me

I feel anger brimming inside of me. It feels like it should be explosive, but it doesn't have the quality of anger that I normally feel.

In an effort to protect N.'s reputation, I've largely remained silent on certain maters - but since neither of us are prominent in our communities nor do I have a large readership - I'm not sure where this comes from. Perhaps a selfish need or desire not to be perceived as a vindictive bitch by slandering N.

And here's where I allow myself, just for right now, to express some feelings of victimhood.

Because I'm kind of pissed. Mostly because I feel as though things are not fair. That I've been made out to be the mean bitch in this whole situation, when in reality we are both responsible for our parts (and I'm fine with owning my mean bitchiness, but taking it all on? I don't think so, buddy!).

I'd written a whole diatribe laying out the shit that makes me feel a high level of disrespect for him (aka, blaming him and tipping the scales in my favor), but decided perhaps it's too much and it's going lower than I know should. Apparently, I have some integrity.

The reality is that there are things I want to say to him - to get him to admit are true - things that make him realize that this is just as much the result of his own choices as they are mine, just so I can respect him a little bit in this whole thing.

But he won't. He takes the victim's stance and puts me in the perpetrator's role. And that's what pisses me off and makes me anticipate his moving out, which can't happen soon enough, at this point (it's happening on Saturday, the day after Seth's birthday - my reaction: "who does that? It's not hard enough for Seth that we're splitting up, and you choose to move out the day after his birthday? WTF!"). It's not all my fault, and I'm not going to take it all on.

My own introspection of my whole internal disturbance is one of wondering: "what's this really about? Why do I suddenly want and need to 'share my side' and recruit people to see that I'm right, and he's wrong?" And, it's true, even if it's low, that I do want someone on my side, to say that I'm in the right, that it's not all my fault. But mostly I want him to see my side of things, to admit his own culpability, to show me that he sees his role in this whole mess. And the likelihood that I'll get that? So long as he believes he's the victim to his life's circumstances, he'll never take an responsibility for his own choices. So I can't hold on to any hope for that. I've got to let it go.

But I don't want to. Why?