I decided to quite one of my jobs. Although it appears to most as something that was done quickly and lightly, that's just because my process is quick, and I generally don't want to bog people down with all the details. But this is the place where I can share all the details, and if you feel bogged down, perhaps there's another blog you'd like to read more? (Say it ain't so! hehe)
I've been enjoying my graveyard baking job for over a month and a half now. I recently even received carte blanche to spin things up a bit and make different things, so long as I make the other menu items. So it's gotten that much more fun, and challenging - which for me equals more fun!
I'd also gotten hired a couple of weeks ago at what I thought was a prestigious French-style bakery (the owner won a MOF which is like winning the Gold in Pastry Olympics). But as I continued with my training, not only was I becoming ever more sleep-deprived (the schedule did not coincide with my night work during the week), but also found myself getting sick, and knew that it was only a matter of time before my body completely gave out and I'd find myself in bed for a couple of days with the flu. A couple of times I briefly fell asleep behind the wheel on the freeway. Not good. Not good at all.
Most importantly, though, was the feelings I'd have every time I thought about going to work there, or when my alarm would go off. It was a "Ugh, I don't want to go." My response to myself was, "What? You wanted this job so badly! You enjoy it when you're there - for the most part, it's training, training is always a bit of a pain, but you'll find your groove. Suck it up!"
Some friends suggested that I didn't feel I deserved the job. But that didn't feel right - I think rather highly of myself, actually. In one of my first interviews for a job I was not offered, I asked for a much larger rate of pay than what is typically offered to Bakers, even ones with some experience. When it comes to my own value of my self-worth, it's more likely to be inflated.
Then I thought perhaps it was because I didn't have a day off, and felt like I was always go, go, going. Which is true. I did feel that way. But it was more than that.
As I thought about it further, I found that there were little things that I was observing at this bakery that showed I had higher expectations of the place than was reflected. I'd already known, before I got hired, that the laminated products (Croissants) were ordered from France. So I knew I wouldn't be learning to make those. And I thought I was okay with that. Turns out, I'm not. I thought I'd be seeing and working with the Pastry Chef who owned the place, but he's more of a business owner now, so that was also a bit disappointing. I also didn't know that they used a machine to shape the baguettes. And I'm not okay with that. Part of what defines Artisanal bread is that it is hand-made. But apart from that, I enjoy shaping bread, and work at refining my baguette-shaping skills every night at my other job, and looked forward to continuing to do so. I also started to realize that it was going to be several months before I even made my way over to train with the pastries and desserts, if that ever was going to be a possibility, and felt that I was ready to move on to pastries, already having worked on my bread skills. Finally, there was a bit of a feeling as though the place was an "overpriced tourist attraction" that just felt wrong to me, although I'm not entirely sure where that's coming from. There's a certain sense that the environment is easily reproduced and a bit sterile, and lacking in depth of personality.
Essentially, I started to see a very low ceiling closing in on what I thought was a great opportunity opening to me. And when I feel something closing in, I have to get out. I've never much liked being caged or tethered, and usually find myself sabotaging things by skipping work, not communicating, or just doing a poor job. This time, however, I have the awareness to tap into my feelings and allow them to instruct me before burning too many bridges.
It was amazing the feeling I had when I finally admitted to myself that I was going to have to let go of this job. Sweet relief. A calm, warmth surrounded me. I was able to relax and focus on taking care of other business. I felt that I was loving myself by making this decision. And I started to get excited about having two days off, and thinking about how I can spend some of that time working on refining the recipes for the Bakery I'd like to open in the future (and now knowing more about what I DON'T want it to be like).
So, I wrote the manager a nice email (because it was easier than getting him on the phone, and sometimes I'm a bit of a coward when it comes to these things) explaining that it wasn't feasible - I was already getting burnt out, feeling sick a lot and the commute was more costly to my time and energy and money. Although D. encouraged me to be completely forthright and share my other thoughts and feelings, I decided that I didn't have that kind of relationship with the manager to really feel safe sharing that.
I'm finding that the more I practice tuning into what I'm feeling and asking myself questions about that, that not only are the answers already there, within me, but they also come a lot more quickly - this whole process probably took place over a 24 hour period. Eventually, I'd like to be so in tune that I'm able to check in with myself before I make choices that I then have to reneg on. Always a work in process...
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