going from unschooled to schooled? over my dead body

Inspired by a friend, I decided to participate in National Blog Posting Month, and given all the drama in my life as of late, I thought I'd have plenty of fodder for writing about. Alas, my brain is in a bit of a fog right now. I went into work late last night - later than usual - dragged (or is it drug?) my feet making the baguettes - apparently I'm not loving that activity as much lately - and ended up not getting home until 7 am. And then to be so rudely awakened by Seth's constant insistence on ice cream and his upset when I said no. So I slept off an on until about 4:30. And I'm still tired.

And now inspiration has arrived.

I've been struggling with a series of decisions, and one of them has been weighing on me more than others. As some of you know, I'm very serious about unschooling. I've done a lot of reading about education (I've read my Gatto and Holt and A.S. Neill!) and am generally against sending Seth to school of any kind, particularly public school. Yet I now find myself in the position of not being able to continue our unschooling lifestyle and the possibility that public school may be the only option (there is a local Waldorf school that does make allowances for low-income, but I'm not sure my low income is quite what they have in mind, but I won't know until I ask). I'm intimidated by the idea of going into a place that I not only abhor, but also have no idea how to navigate - I went to small private schools for most of my school life. Just the very idea of walking on the grounds of a public school repulses me.

On the other hand, I know enough of Seth's personality that I think he might actually enjoy school and even do well (which again, frightens me: children who do well in school, in my mind, are children who make good followers aka sheeple, and that is not the kind of mentality I want to foster in my own child; I want him to think for himself and rebel against the status quo as much as possible). I have already explained to him the possibility of going to kindergarten and he is excited about it, even though in the past I would "unsell" him on school by telling him as much negative attributes about it as possible (you have to do what you're told, sit still, no talking, no playing, no bringing toys). Admittedly, that is not really the unschool way - unschoolers will tell you that their role is to provide tools, experiences and environments for learning based on what the child is interested in, and if the child is interested in experiencing school, then by all means, assist them.

So, then, it is really my fear of what that is preventing me from embracing this new change? Fear of not belonging to a "fringe" group and being different, for one. Fear of not fitting in with the "regular" school parents (which I'm already aware of just by living in the neighborhood that I do). Mostly having to navigate a system that I know will frustrate the shit out of me because I detest jumping through arbitrary hoops (can't go to kindergarten if your birthday if after Sept. 1? What? Shouldn't it be based on the developmental level of the child?). Oh, and then I think of all the things that my son will be exposed to - bullies, name-brand materialism, agism and sexism.

There must be a way to turn this around so that it can be a positive experience for both of us. I know from experience that every cloud has a silver lining. I just can't see it yet.