dropping balls

I've realized that I've bitten off more than I can chew. My eyes usually aren't bigger than my stomach - not literally anyway, I can eat some people under the table as it were - but trying to handle two jobs with all the commuting, single-momhood, handling living in a house as opposed to an apartment (I never knew there would be as many as 4 different utility bills, good grief!), schooling of a child, fostering a relationship that has helped me grow immensely and brought me much joy, and then furthering my education, online? It's not happening. Balls are dropping all around me.

The first ball to drop was the second job, which I already posted about. I'd been thinking throughout this week that the online school might not be handle-able, but wanted to give it a go. Then I finally realized today - when I was locked out of the portal because I'd failed to get the proper financial aid paperwork in on time (and not to mention not posting my homework yet this week, which I was going to do tonight, my night off), that perhaps it was a sign that I'm trying to do too many things at once.

I didn't spend too much time feeling like a failure, which is good, because usually once that downward spiral sets in, things get pretty ugly, and quickly. There is a sense of, "when will I learn to think before I act?" but, apparently, this is the path, this is the when and the how. I tried on the relief, which felt nice. Then I wrote a letter to the admissions counselor with my regrets and apologies. More relief. And of course, thoughts about more mess that I have to clean up. I guess this is how one also gets good at cleaning (my house is another story, but in my defense, I'm not the only one making the messes).

I suppose the value of my current situation in it's entirety is that with awareness and willingness to learn, allows me to see just how much I am capable of, and how much I'm not. It also serves to highlight the kind of expectations I have for myself, and for me to inquire where some of them come from, and encourage me to show compassion for myself much in the way I most certainly would if a friend were to bring this all to me.

As much as I'd like to be the kind of high-energy person of super-heroine proportions, the reality is that I feel best when life is simple, routine, and organized, with plenty of relaxing down time. Sounds boring, I know, because even I think that from time to time. Seeing shiny people flurry about excites me and makes me want to do it too. Yet, having a stable home to come to, a schedule I can rely on, and things nice and tidy and slow feels like freedom to me. I've often thought about the amazing women who managed medical school while single, with a couple of kids and pregnant, and wonder how they ever managed that, because it seems so out of my realm. And since they amaze me with their strength, I would have to try something similar. And fall flat on my face...a few times, just for good measure. Dust is easily brushed off and bruised pride looks a lot worse than it actually is.

I know that some of my expectations are dormant ones I absorbed growing up in a highly academically driven household. Of course, I know now that degrees do not equal intelligence level or success. But it took me a long time to really know that, and of course, I'm still learning to accept the love I receive from my family without thinking that they surely must think I'm a lesser being for only just graduating with an Associates at 33 (who's really thinking that? I am! huh). Even thinking about this brings up feelings of comparison and insecurities. It was the weekend that my family was visiting that I applied and enrolled in the BA program, and I was feeling an acute sense of failure about my relationship with N.; this can be no accident - was I trying to buoy myself up? It seems so.

I also know that I'm a hands-on kind of person; it's one of the reasons I was able to successfully finish culinary school - most of that was about showing up and giving it your best. Online school is a whole different ballgame. Perhaps it reminded me of all the other undergrad schooling I attempted and was unsuccessful at because there seem to be so many more silly, and at times, arbitrary hoops to jump through. Hoop jumping wasn't so bad when I was able to bring home breads, cakes, croissants and chocolates. Show me the next hoop, please! I'll even wear a cheesy uniform while performing, if that is what makes you happy, and I'll make it fun and sexy!

So, this juggler is taking a break. Let the balls fall where they may. Some will certainly land in my outstretched hands. The world will not end and life will not cease. All will be well and all is well.