Seth's dad is moving out next month. I had this utopian ideal of us living peacefully together to co-parent Seth, but after a few months of trying it, and it not being so peaceful, I came to the conclusion that it just wasn't working for me. I felt trapped; I felt annoyed just seeing him around; communication with him was still challenging - he still talks about things as though we're working on our non-existent marriage relationship, and I'm so done with that. I'd had a conversation with S., my spiritual life coach only a few weeks ago, and he asked me some questions and reminded me that I have to seek out my truth, acknowledge it, and speak it. As soon as I acknowledged and spoke the words, "Living with you is just not working for me, I can't do it anymore" I had a feeling of amazing relief.
And then, on the night of my culinary school graduation, feelings of intense failure. As in weeping, feeling depressed. In a moment of clarity last night (working with bread dough is an amazing catalyst for this process) I noted that the "black death" is coming - a feeling of darkness accompanied by desires of wanting to cease to exist, which I now know is a part of the process of acknowledging my truth, letting go of expectations and judgments, and ultimately the death of real or imagined reality. How fortunate I am to be able to see this - otherwise, I'd be in my bed vegetating right now, and sabotaging the great things life has brought into my life as of late (more on that later). It is appropriate that I am experiencing another little death at this time of year - a time when death is all around us and I can smell it in the air.
Of course, with death there is ALWAYS birth - it's transformation, really. And I have been birthing so many things lately, it's only natural that this death might have a larger impact on me.
I've been dating a wonderful man since mid-August, and am very much in love with him. We'll refer to him as D., since he'll probably pop-up from time to time in my future posts. We'd felt a kinship almost right away, and since both of us were in between jobs at the time, had plenty of time to devote to developing our relationship. It's amazing to have a relationship in which the communication level is high, to feel as though we speak the same language and to have a commitment to fostering that in openness and with honesty. I've even been questioning my own previously conceived idea that I'm a polyamorous poster child, because even though our relationship has been characterized from the beginning as open, I don't seem to have the time, and he doesn't seem to have the desire.
I've also been working the graveyard shift as the primary baker at a cafe in Portland, and then recently got hired on part-time at another bakery that I'd been wanting to work at for some time. So, trying to figure out how to manage my time, make sure Seth is cared for, D. is cared for, as well as caring for myself has also been on my mind. I think the most exciting thing about having my own job is having my own bank account. I'd forgotten what that was like, and it has been very empowering.
I've also started to explore my latent artist. My parents sent me all my art things from my youth and early 20's when I was an art major in college, and it inspired me to break out the pencils and paints and explore that creativity. D. has also been instrumental in encouraging me, as he is a graphic designer and artist himself.
My personal/spiritual growth is important to me, and I like to spend a lot of time reading and working toward this. Lately, though, this has taken a back seat - although I participated in a great workshop on relationships (unfortunately, missed a couple of them, which was a bummer, but I learned a LOT from the ones I went to).
With N. moving out, I'm reeling from the stressful thoughts generated by: the possibility of having to move after only just moving a few months ago (although I think I might see if I can't get a roommate); Seth now having to go to school and the letting go of my desire to unschool and keep him free of the public school system; figuring out childcare and commuting to my jobs; working with N. on a visitation schedule; which we'd not worked out yet, along with child support (neither of which we'd worked out yet, as technically, we're not legally divorced yet - oh, god, another thing that needs to get done! sigh); and then, with the visit of my parents and some of my siblings this past weekend for my graduation, the pressure that I come and visit with Seth over Christmas (I haven't even got Seth's Halloween costume yet, so definitely NOT thinking about Christmas, a holiday we don't even celebrate). And of course, all of this is covered by the weight of worrying about doing the best for Seth while at the same time honoring what's best for me.
What I find the most interesting about this process is that in my letting to, my body has also seemed to respond by letting go of the weight it's been carrying and I've lost about 20 lbs so far. While I would say that some of it was the result to exercise, I'm more inclined to think that it has more to do with my moving closer to my truth and pursuing a life the reflects that (because I've worked out even more intensely before and lost negligible weight).
So there it is: all opportunities to let go of how I thought my life was going to proceed and be open to all the new things it has to offer, bringing about learning and growth along the way. Sometimes, I wish I wasn't a "learn the hard way" kind of person. Because this feels all a little "too" hard for me.
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