the wisdom of staying

Over the last several days, I have found myself in conflict with Nathan. It's not out and out fighting or really even arguing, just each of us reacting to something the other said, and in some cases, taking out our own suffering on the other in a kind of snarky way.

I've noticed that now that my own anger (and thus raging) has dissipated greatly, just how and why we've had such a tumultuous relationship in the past. Although Nate almost never yells, he does know how to say things that can cut right to the heart. And then, there's the walking away, sometimes with the cursory, "I don't want to talk about this right now." Mostly, though, he takes a lot of what I say personally. Not that I don't take things personally, I know I do. All this makes it very hard to communicate.

So, a few days ago, when I was puttering around the kitchen, we were talking about something (I honestly can't remember what), and something he said sort of bugged me, mostly in the sense that I could see him causing his own suffering...and of course, by letting it bug me, I was causing my own suffering - I'm totally aware of the irony. I didn't really react, I just noted it, and thought to myself, "And that's why you're going to stay, Maria. Because until you can let that not bug you, let go of your need to control or fix him or fix life for him, you must stay." It was almost as though some wiser self had taken over my mind! But I saw the truth and wisdom in this, and then decided to share it with Nate.

His response: "If you want to f***in' leave, then f***in' leave!" I was not expecting that, for I was merely opening up to share this realization with him, and it was like an arrow straight to my heart. Fortunately, I had the presence of mind to not react, but it stayed with me for the rest of the day. Of course, it just reinforced my earlier realization; that I must stay, if only to resolve those feelings within myself.

I am starting to see that I must stay to learn how to communicate gently with him. Blunt, and often unkind honesty on my part has characterized our relationship for several years, to it's detriment, I can see that now. And I must stay to learn to recognize what is my crap and what's not. And mostly, to learn to accept, allow, and love him as he is, in each moment. And, perhaps to learn to accept, allow and love myself as I am, in each moment.